Sunday, February 7, 2010

Clinging to the word

2 Cor. 4:8 says, "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair.." I can relate to troubles and perplexity without much effort. Yet, when it comes to believing every word of this verse, I fall short again and again. Today, I can read this and think, "Sure,..ok,..great!" However, if you would have tried to share this with me on, say, Wednesday afternoon, my response would have been...well....not so decidedly optimistic. Need I mention that I was having a great morning with the kids, enjoying the outdoors and celebrating Lucy's 3rd birthday?! Then the mailman pulled up (and no, I don't have anything against him Breaden pulls Ava on her little purple sled over to grab the handful of envelopes and fliers and thrust them into my arms before quickly speeding off. It was then that I saw the (all-to-familiar) hand-typed envelope addressed to me, and since the sender was family (and dear to my heart), AND thinking that this time I could handle the criticism; let it roll off my back, I opened it. Wrong. The funny thing is though, as I briefly scanned the letter; its familiar harsh words and phrases with occasional caps added for emphasis, I felt strong. Even as I read the parts about being cut-off from family events, holiday get-togethers, and the like, I truly sensed a peace from the Lord. Amazing. Then I noticed a paragraph regarding my children. It seems as though unless I am willing to do what "everyone who loves me" thinks is best, my children are being punished with the same harshness as I am. It was at this very moment that I should have been clinging to the word, yet my human emotions took the lead. Disappointment and disbelief crept over me, and before long a slow trickle of sorrow exploded into a torrential downpour of pain, pity, and bitterness; the thought of which causes me to shudder even now, almost a full week later. I can honestly say that I do understand some of why this is happening, though you may be wondering what on earth I'm talking about by now. The fact is that about 4 months ago, after a series of tests related to a swollen lymph node, I was diagnosed with papillary carcinoma of the thyroid. Cancer. It is "the type to get" as far as cancer goes, so I'm told. Slow growing, very treatable, etc. The opposition I'm having regarding my family is that I am not interested in following the typical protocol (complete removal of the thyroid and a handful of highly radioactive pills) simply because that is what the medical community recommends. In fact, in many ways I am inherently opposed to the brutal tactics that are commonly used to to "treat" something that I truly believe can be eradicated by natural means. (With God's help of course!!) Am I not only manic-depressive, but crazy as well?! I don't think I am either. Nor did I ever say that I would NEVER resort to conventional medicine for this or any other issue, or that I don't respect myself a good MD :) But this subject is entirely too vast to be covered in this entry tonight, as my hubby is waiting for me to watch a nice chick flick, so back to the present dilemna... Anyway, I know that my family wants me to live a long life and be well, and I do appreciate all the prayers I can get as I seek His wisdom, healing, and direction for my life, but I will NOT be bullied. Nor will I give way to fear. I am trusting the Lord every step of the way as I work hard to be the best I can be to those who matter the most to me: my husband and my children. The enemy will use any tough situation (and believe me, I know!) to turn our hearts away from God and get us caught up in worldly concerns and fears. This is his playground, and I have ridden his (not so) merry-go-round enough times to make me go running the opposite direction when I sense his hand on the rail. There really isn't a nice way to say it when a situation in your life just plain sucks. When the people you love and wish would support you are instead making a difficult journey even more so. I am an intelligent woman. I read, study, pray, and seek God's best for my life, most of the time! Yes, I make mistakes. Thankfully though, through the power of Jesus Christ I have been redeemed! I will speak more of what I AM doing to take care of myself and why very soon. For tonight though I must be going. I will say though that spiritual health is just as important as physical health. No one could offer a counter argument to that which would make sense (to me anyway)! I choose to forgive, forgive, forgive, and not harbor feelings of bitterness in my heart. I also choose to love, as we are commanded as christians to do, and to trust that God will teach me to take care of everything else. And I believe with my entire being that He will. Goodnight!

Since this post it was brought to my attention that, (despite statements seeming to the contrary) my children would NOT be receiving the same harsh "treatment" as myself, and even recently were able to join my father for his 60th birthday celebration. I was sorry not to be able to share in this special day with him, but the kids were pleased to have the opportunity to join in. So, things turned out a little better than I thought in this case. Yea God :)