Friday, January 29, 2010

Delight thyself in the Lord

As I think of how quickly God has come to my rescue, I am awestruck. It IS true that he knows what we need before we even ask (Mt. 6:8). Not only that, but he is just giddy with anticipation for us to ask. In fact, I have barely so much as hinted at what I needed, and He was already working it into completion in my life! A phone call, a visit with a friend, a pleasant evening with my spouse,..there is no way these things could happen accidentally. Not to me anyway! I have been a loner of sorts for almost ten years running. I didn't choose to be at first, but it has always seemed like that was where I fit best. By myself. Sure, I dated (and even married one brief time..) but since I became a mother at 19 things just were never the same. Cool kids (the kind I had hung out with of course) didn't want to chill with a mommy and her new little baby. Even when I accepted the Lord and started going to church, I was never able to get much more intimate with people than a friendly greeting and brief chat. Maybe it was because I wasn't a happy-go-lucky college kid..or because I didn't have a husband (for long!) to be able to take with me on couples dates?! At times I would find a sitter and go out with my sister and her friends and try to live it up party style, but I always came home feeling alone. Sure I would have fun, and I DO still know how to have fun (although a bit more responsibly), but I never had anyone that understood how I felt. As time passed, with a new marriage and children coming into the picture, I fell into the "little Suzy homemaker", cleaning, homeschooling, and trying to make the house merry. Unfortunately I didn't realize that I was doing all of these things out of a sense of moral obligation rather than joy. I will not say that I have been unhappy the past (almost) 4 years, but I will say that I haven't had the sense of fulfillment that I believe can be mine for the taking! I have grown as a person in many ways through being a wife and mother, an educator and a (self-taught) student, but without true joy, nothing can thrive. In fact, it seems like often things will just slowly start unraveling all around me until it seems like nothing is left intact and I feel like there's no choice but to give up. This place is exactly where the devil wanted to bring us, but as Rom. 8:28 promises, God can take a seemingly helpless situation and make it work to our benefit! Desperation is a lonely, scary place, I know. Still we are loved. LOVED! And that love is like a song in the wilderness, a tiny little peace of heaven for us to taste. It only takes one grain of faith in God's goodness for him to start making things right again. Today I am thankful for that single grain I found while in my pit of despair, and that with it, God sustained me until I was strong enough to stand up again. I am excited about new friendships being established which are rooted in truth, for another chance to love my husband and others purely, and for an opportunity to see things from the eyes of my God who does not judge me for all my failings but delights in me simply because I am his! I hear the song "Improv" by Waterdeep which says:

You have caused flowers to grow in my fields
And you have brought new and bright colors to my head
And you have brought a cool wind to blow underneath my window cill
And I rest here, underneath your hand
I rest here, underneath your hand

You've made all my deserts into gardens (x2)
You've made all my ashes into beauty (x2)

I don't know where I'd be if I had not met you
I was a broken man when you found me (x2)

I became alive

What a joy it is to live again

If you'd like to sample this song and others from the cd, click here.  Happy listening!